Poppin' A Squat & Other Bathroom Talk

Doesn't that look good to you? It's called Dan Dan Mien. I don't know what Dan Dan means. (Hey Zach..wanna Wiki it for me?) Basically, it's a really really really spicy noodle dish. Yes it looks good, and tastes even better. But it also has a little side effect:

La Duzi.

How can I describe La Duzi? It's literal translation is "pull apart stomach". Don't get it yet? La Duzi means the runs. AKA: Diarrhea.

La Duzi is on top of everyone's fear list. La Duzi can be as simple as 5 minutes. It can also mean needing to call maintence to un-clog the toilet.

Need I go on?

While I am not one for bathroom humor (normally), in China, a lot of conversations revolve around the bathroom. When was the last time you went, how big...etc.

On the first day of Orientation, we all split into groups and had lunch. In my room the conversation eventually lead to squatting, which is the biggest pain in the ass. (Block that metaphor.) Now my group was about 10 Americans, and 2 Chinese women, staffers of IES who don't understand English. When the conversation turned to squatting, I admitted that the past summer I was incapable of squatting without...you know...peeing in my pants...so I would always take off my pants when I need to squat. Like, take them off and hang them on the door. Yea. Anyway....the Chinese ladies did not understand my story, but saw that everyone else was just about rolling on the floor. So they wanted a translation.

Moral of the story: they pointed at me and said, at the top of their lungs, "MEIYOU KUZI!" (Translation: She doesn't wear pants!"

OK...a bit lost in translation...but they got the gist, and I was made fun of for a long, long time.

Don't worry. I can squat now, in case you were wondering.

Squatters can range from 5 star (I kid you not - they had them at the TerraCotta Warriors) to 0 stars (everywhere else in China). IES dorms have 1/2 and 1/2. Surprisingly (sarcasm) there is never a line for the squatters. This is a picture of a clean squatter. I would rate it 4 stars. Yes, 4 stars.

It is clean, indoors, looks like it can flush relatively well (remember not to flush the toilet paper!) and there are no errant dumps around the bowl (I kid you not).

Why do I say remember not to flush the TP? Well, it's because the sewage systems in China process it. Why? I don't know.

But if you flush the TP, it will inevitably make the toilet overflow. Ask me how I know.


I will not show you a picture of a bad squatter. But trust me. A picture itself would not do it justice.